Marriage is an adventure. Apparently the saying that time flies when you’re having fun is true, because it definitely does not feel like a year. At this exact time last year, I was preparing to take a walk down a very wet, grassy aisle to marry the man of my dreams. By the grace of God, Hurricane Matthew managed to cease, what had been up until 10 minutes before I walked down the aisle, a torrential downpour. One of the ring bearers was MIA due to the fact that he was 2 and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse was much more entertaining than watching his aunt get married. Also by the grace of God, I managed to squeak out my vows after having the worst cold of my life the entire week before the wedding. We took communion with a slice of Italian sandwich bread and a glass of sangria that was rushed up to the altar during a time of prayer by my aunt due to my mom forgetting about communion amidst her million other tasks for the week. There were several other issues that went unbeknownst to me until 3 months after the fact, but it was still the most amazing and magical night of my life. I still could never thank everyone enough for all they did- from flying in from all over the country, to setting up, to keeping my mom sane, to tearing down, none of it would have been possible without each and every one of you, and I am eternally grateful. Today, I want to take time to share with you the 7 most important things I learned in the past year. I hope this is something that won’t just resonate with newlyweds or engaged couples, but with everyone. Let’s get started!
1. Patience and grace. With myself, my husband, and with God. The term patience is a virtue never became more true to me than in the past year. Something I had to learn very early on is that marriage is never-ending learning process. Jon-Paul and I had never been married to each other, therefore we really had no clue what we were doing! And we still don’t! That was a very hard pill for me to swallow. I LOVE being good at things and mastering them. In marriage, we encounter new things every day. And we are not always going to respond to those situations in a perfect way. The most important thing is to have patience with yourself and your spouse. Jon-Paul has done some things in the past year that have genuinely pissed me off or hurt my feelings. I have done the same thing to him, probably 10 times as many times! But you have to be patient with one another, and offer grace to them and yourself when you mess up. And you are going to mess up. Neither of you are perfect! As for God, you must have patience and know that He knows what He’s doing. You can’t be in control all the time!
2. You can never apologize too many times. I believe you are never more strong than when you can admit that you were wrong. I also did not mean for that to rhyme, but it did, so we will stick with it! You gotta lower your pride, babe. Hop off your high horse, admit you messed up and apologize! I remember one specific week about 6 or 7 months ago where I swear I apologized at least 8-10 times a day. I was dealing with some hormonal imbalances and was “snippy McGee” as my husband affectionately called me. It should be known that he has continued to have immense grace for me as this has persisted. I told him, “I feel like I’ve apologized so much more in the past week than I have in my entire life!” But through that process, I learned how important it is to apologize. At the end of the day, you have to go home with that person and crawl in the same bed. When you harbor resentment or refuse to admit you were wrong, the 6 inches of space between you and him in your queen sized bed can feel like a million miles. You have to communicate. You have to voice your feelings. You have to go through the hard things in order to get to the good things! It’s not always easy to talk about your weaknesses and screw-ups, but it is crucial for the survival of your marriage.
3. God needs to be your number one. One of the main reasons I love my husband so much is because he loves God more than he loves me. When you put God first, not just in your relationships, but in life in general, you set yourself up for success. See, when you love someone, you automatically make decisions based on pleasing that person and protecting your relationship with them. With love comes respect. Ultimately, because God is before me for Jon-Paul, and because God is before Jon-Paul for me, we not only make decisions based on each other’s needs, but based on what we know God wants for us separately and as a couple. You cannot allow yourself to put any human being, not even your spouse, before God. In a healthy relationship, the closer you both move to God, the closer you get to each other. This is a true source of intimacy. Speaking of which, that’s a perfect segway into point number four.
4. Sex is not everything. Growing up in the church, we are taught that sex is great under the covenant of marriage, but outside of that covenant, it is destructive, sinful, and should NEVER be done. Some are even scared straight with “the talk” including all of the negative consequences of pre-marital sex. I am all for sexual purity before marriage. I believe that is a Biblical principle and a standard that I held myself to, but I believe the church, particularly the youth ministry, has focused far too much on the negative side of pre-marital sex. You are told your whole life “No sex until marriage” or “You can only give it once and that should be to your husband” etc. And we aren’t just told that, it’s literally drilled into our minds. Like most other things, too much of anything can be detrimental. This either scares us to death of sex, or we rush into marriage with the wrong person just so it will be “under the covenant” So here’s sweet little Susie Q getting married as a virgin because she’s been told time after time to not have sex, and then suddenly she says the words “I Do” and signs a piece of paper and we’re all like “YEAH! Go be fruitful and multiply!” We have given the misconception that intimacy through sex is found in the physical side only. What I discovered in the first few months of marriage was that, yes, the physical aspect does bring you and your spouse closer, but the real intimacy through sex is found in the open line of communication before, during, and after intercourse. Yes, I said during. No it doesn’t “just happen” like in the movies. Sometimes it does, but more often than not, at least from my one year of experience, sex entails a lot of communication. You have to be able to communicate what you are comfortable with and what works for you. Sometimes you have to do a little give and take because what works for you, may not work for your spouse. This is all very personal, but it’s something that is never discussed! I say all of that to say, yes, sex is amazing, but it is not the only way of becoming intimate with your spouse. Talking about things like feelings and emotions, and perspectives, both negative and positive, are so so very important to achieve intimacy. Like the every youth pastor on the planet has ever said, “Intimacy equals into-me-you-see”
*Moving Right Along*
5. Nothing is ever THAT bad. Fights suck. Jon-Paul and I didn’t have our first real fight until we were registering for our wedding. We had had disagreements and minor tifts here and there, but nothing like this blow out. To spare you a very long story, basically I had unintentionally set very high expectations for this trip to Target and Bed, Bath, and Beyond. This was going to be magical and we were going to run through the aisles scanning everything our hearts desired and we would both be so excited to choose what kind of dishes and pots and pans and bedding we would get to build our new love nest. The only problem with that, aside from the fact that I was living in fantasy land, was that I did not communicate these expectations to my very loving and patient husband. After an hour and a half of scanning JUST kitchen items in BB&B, he had reached his max for the day (side note: apparently they don’t let you run rampant with the scanner like in the movies at BB&B). This caused a huge blow up because in my mind, he didn’t care about our new life together. After he took an hour-long trip to the coffee shop in the parking lot of the store, we promptly left. It was a YUGE fight for 30 minutes solid in the car on the way home. I was PISSED that he didn’t read my mind to find out my expectations. HOW DARE HE! Any way, during that giant fight all I could think about was, “Oh my gosh, this is it. We are going to break off the engagement and we’ll be done. We can never recover from this fight.”Boy, was I wrong (thank God). We sat in that car and talked for over an hour once we got to the apartment and worked it out. We realized I needed to share and make more realistic my expectations, and he needed to make a little bit more of an effort to participate. He had a very reasonable explanation for not being concerned with our pots and pans- he doesn’t cook much, therefore he wouldn’t be using them. As for the dishes, so long as he can drink the milk from it once done with his cereal, he’s good. All in all, I have learned that no fight is THAT bad. Sometimes it takes just talking it out, or taking time to think things through. Ultimately, you have to communicate* (See point 4 on intimacy)
6. Me time is crucial. Just because the two have become one, doesn’t mean that the one can’t still have time for him/her self. In fact, I’m pretty sure in order to resist the urge strangle your spouse from time to time, you need to take me time. Go get a mani/pedi, or hang out with a girlfriend, or, my personal favorite, go walk around Target and design six different versions of your living room, only to walk out with everything your didn’t need and nothing that you did! You cannot lose who you are. That’s not what marriage is about. Who you marry should amplify who you are, not diminish. And though your interests may change, the time you take for yourself should not.
7. As is accountability. This is so so important. Surround yourself with successful, Godly married couples to look up to. We have several couples that have sort of taken us under their wings and taught us so many valuable lessons. We also have a few couples our age to glean from as well. They are our peers and we can talk to them about newlywed things that no one else would understand. Some of our best friends in the whole world were married just a few months after us, so being able to partner with them and walk through this together has been an integral part of our lives. Both of these types of couples have permission to ask us the hard questions. They can ask us about our financial state, our communication, our sex life, and so many other things because we trust them to help keep us on the right path. Most of them have been there, done that, made the mistakes, had great triumphs etc., so they can speak from experience.
This past year has been so beyond amazing. I have learned so much about Jon-Paul and myself, and who we are as a couple. We are a team. We fight for each other and for our marriage. Marriage is not work. I personally don’t like when people say that. Theres a saying that goes, “When you love what you do, you never work a day in your life.” If you love playing the guitar, sure, you take lessons and train yourself to get better. You sometimes play until your fingers bleed. It hurts your hands and wrists some times, but at the end of the day, it’s your passion and you love it. Marriage is the same way. You have to walk through some hard times, you have to practice to get better, and you have to learn some hard lessons. But at the end of the day, you love that person more than anything else in the whole world, and you are passionate about your marriage. So babe, thanks for making this the best year of my life. It has had its ups and downs, we have laughed and cried, but we have been together through it all, and that’s all I could ever ask for. You are my best friend and I love you so much. Here’s to 100 years more of the best sleep over ever. Happy Anniversary, honey bunches.
Emily Louise Keller 